"I've had more fun down drains"
Unfortunately, the reluctance of local motorists to abide by road markings bearing ambiguous and confusing legends such as, "keep clear for access" resulted in them arriving somewhat later than the majority of delegates, with the result that they could not sit together. Boogaloo Dude valiantly attempted to create an escape route by hurling a coat stand through a window, but his best efforts were in vain. The glass remained intact. The die was cast.
Our hero and heroine were thus condemned to sitting with people they did not know and with whom, quite frankly, they had not the slightest desire to pursue any further acquaintance, so that even their long-standing technique of alleviating the boredom by passing caustic notes to each other was denied to them.
Lady Bracknell was reminded, as she often is on such occasions, of the lyrics of one of Victoria Wood's songs, fragments of which lodged themselves in her memory many years ago. In the faint hope that muttering said lyrics under their breath might be of some avail to any of her readers who find themselves in similar straits, Lady Bracknell has instructed the editor to attempt to find the song in its entirety on the interwebnet. So here, for the gentle reader's delectation and delight, is the full text of "Bastards".