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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Just singin' (and whackin') in the rain.

Lady Bracknell has long been of the opinion that
  • there are some very strange things indeed on the interwebnet; and
  • the Editor seems fated to find all of them in the course of carrying out searches of an entirely innocent nature.



As a case in point, whilst idly trawling Google for "walking stick stand", the Editor found this umbrella. Which is to say that she found something which looks like an umbrella and which, indeed, performs the functions of an umbrella (protecting the user from rain, and so forth), but which is, in point of fact, a weapon. One which "whacks just as strong as a steel pipe" but which "doesn't arouse suspicion", and doesn't attract any "strange looks if carried by an able-bodied person". Unlike, presumably, a steel pipe.

Tom Kurz (whoever he is) carries his with him on aeroplanes "and has never had anyone question him about it". Lady Bracknell, although an infrequent flyer herself, has no doubt that some persons who travel by air can be very irritating. Whether this would be sufficient provocation to hit them with something as strong as a steel pipe, though, is open to doubt. In fact, one would probably risk lengthy incarceration should one venture to so much as prod them with the tip of one's umbrella.

Potential purchasers of this exceedingly dubious item - "Do you know how to strike with a sturdy stick? If you do, you know all you need to know..." - will no doubt be pleased to know that the frame is "warranted" not to break under normal use. However, they may wish to note that the warranty in question doesn't extend to actions such as throwing the umbrella under a train or bulldozer, or throwing it into a wood chipper. Although quite why they should feel the urge to do any of those things with it (unless they are on the run from law enforcement officials after running amok on an aeroplane) is beyond Lady Bracknell's capacity to imagine.

10 Comments:

Blogger The Goldfish said...

I particularly enjoyed the site's tagline, Protect yourself, your family, your friends, and your country...

Sure puts this "Son of Star Wars" malarkey into perspective.

8:05 pm  
Anonymous Dame Honoria Glossop said...

so that's what Chamberlain's umbrella was made from

9:17 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heres a couple of things you may like...the first is the Play of the Week featuring Jim Sweeney's My MS & Me - its an mp3 from the radio :)

http://www.yousendit.com/download/VnByV296TStiV3g1VEE9PQ

Also this made me think of you...

http://www.katwallks.com/customerphotos.htm

9:49 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Mr/Ms Anonymous, many thanks. A good friend of Lady Bracknell has long wished to hear the Jim Sweeney play: she will draw it to his attention immediately.

The Katwallks are also intriguing...

10:24 pm  
Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I am much obliged to your ladyship's Editor for some more esoteric information to brighten my day. Sairey Gamp would have killed for one of those.

Being an dirty-minded old cynic I cannot help but wonder about the design of the handle to the far left. Is this possibly designed as a piece of equipment for a branch of martial arts that dare not speak its name?

8:55 am  
Blogger A. A. Sims said...

Lady Bracknell,

I am reminded of a terribly embarrassing episode from some thirty years ago: I was walking through Melbury Bubb with the use of my late Maternal Grandfather’s cane (I has taken a fall at tennis). What I did not know was that said cane was in point of fact a sword stick. This intelligence was reported to me by a young police officer. You see due to a loose fitting screw, the ‘stick’ part had become un-attached and fallen off, and I had been pacing up the High Street for the previous several minutes apparently brandishing a sword in a threatening manner.
I suppose in this day and age I would have been shot dead!

1:48 pm  
Anonymous Boogaloo Dude said...

Ma'am

I am profoundly grateful that my stick (brown and knobbly) is nothing more than a stick.

Destined, as I am, to spend much of today in dull and tedious company - not the least of whom is Mr Strictly Interminable, whose ability to waffle and prevaricate is the stuff of legend - the temptation to deploy the offensive potential of a sword-stick or even a heavy-duty whacker, might just prove irresistable.

If I'm not back by teatime, send out a search-party!

Respectfully

Dude

8:39 am  
Blogger BloggingMone said...

This bloke is honestly suggesting to take that umbrella on board of an airplane as a weapon in disgiuse! I have regulary to undergo the prodedure of justifying at the airport why a sighted person like me is carrying around several foldable white canes in her luggage ( I am training interpreters for the deaf-blind). I am instantly suspected to intend whacking the pilot as soon as I set foot on board of the plane. It usually ends up with me being guided on board as if I was a criminal in order to make sure that I hand out the canes to one of the flight attendants to keep them safe and away from me during the flight. Next time I'll tell them to leave my canes alone and search for dangerous umbrellas instead!

1:04 pm  
Anonymous Meerschaum said...

You think you have troubles! As a child I developed a fixation for swallowing teaspoons; as memory serves I downed at least thirty: to the best of my knowledge all still snug inside.. I set off every alarm known to security man.

5:01 pm  
Anonymous Vic said...

Thanks to Ms.Goldfish, I'm now imagining groups of Monty Pythonesque older ladies (did they call them "Hell's Grannies"?) armed with these, and ready to whack any missile back to whence it came.

11:28 am  

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