Gloom descends on Bracknell Towers
Lady Bracknell is nothing if not observant, and has long commented on the irritating tendency displayed by the common electric light bulb to function perfectly throughout the long summer evenings, but to shuffle off this mortal coil as soon as the nights begin to draw in. This is called, "Lady Bracknell's First Rule of Lightbulb Behaviour".
This year is proving no exception to the rule. When Lady Bracknell's editor types her employer's words of wisdom on to the computing device in the evenings, she currently does so illuminated only by the pale rays of one 60 watt lightbulb. The room grows so very dim, in fact, that the moths which fly in through Lady Bracknell's ever-open windows abjure the light fitting in favour of the somewhat brighter computer screen.
Lady Bracknell prides herself on her modern approach to life, and is pleased to stand up (albeit that an upright posture can only be achieved with some difficulty and by virtue of her leaning hard for support on her handsome walking stick) and be counted as an Equal Opportunities employer. Her butler is generally faultless in his undertaking of his professional duties. However, his restricted stature, combined with his lumbago and with Lady Bracknell's objection to any member of her household climbing on her priceless antique furniture, foils all his best efforts to change a bulb in a ceiling light fitting.
All is not lost, however. Lady Bracknell's part-time chauffeur will be bringing the motor car round to the front entrance next Tuesday afternoon for the purpose of conveying her to her osteopath. Although far from sprightly himself, the chauffeur does possess the excellent virtue of being tall. Lady Bracknell is confident that, in return for only a minor increase in his financial emolument, he will be easily persuaded to apply himself to the task of restoring light to the currently decidedly dark Bracknell Towers.
This year is proving no exception to the rule. When Lady Bracknell's editor types her employer's words of wisdom on to the computing device in the evenings, she currently does so illuminated only by the pale rays of one 60 watt lightbulb. The room grows so very dim, in fact, that the moths which fly in through Lady Bracknell's ever-open windows abjure the light fitting in favour of the somewhat brighter computer screen.
Lady Bracknell prides herself on her modern approach to life, and is pleased to stand up (albeit that an upright posture can only be achieved with some difficulty and by virtue of her leaning hard for support on her handsome walking stick) and be counted as an Equal Opportunities employer. Her butler is generally faultless in his undertaking of his professional duties. However, his restricted stature, combined with his lumbago and with Lady Bracknell's objection to any member of her household climbing on her priceless antique furniture, foils all his best efforts to change a bulb in a ceiling light fitting.
All is not lost, however. Lady Bracknell's part-time chauffeur will be bringing the motor car round to the front entrance next Tuesday afternoon for the purpose of conveying her to her osteopath. Although far from sprightly himself, the chauffeur does possess the excellent virtue of being tall. Lady Bracknell is confident that, in return for only a minor increase in his financial emolument, he will be easily persuaded to apply himself to the task of restoring light to the currently decidedly dark Bracknell Towers.
posted by
Lady Bracknell | Thursday, September 08, 2005
9 Comments:
May I suggest that "Lady Bracknell's First Rule of Lightbulb Behaviour" is rationally explained by the fact that when any electric item, particularly something as fragile as a filament, goes from having very light to much heavier use, it is likely to suffer as a result? Thus we are indeed entering the season of replacing lightbulbs.
May I also make two suggestions that might reduce the good Lady's difficulty in this area?
First of all, always ask your maid to fetch only Energy-Saving Lightbulbs. These last much longer and are better for the environment. Although it is good to avoid having a light on unnecessarily, it is better to avoid constantly turning lights on and off. So for example, if you make many trips into the kitchen during an evening, you'd preserve more energy and the lightbulb by leaving the light on.
Secondly, in this household the living room is adequately lit by two standard lamps. These could mean that these bulbs are a height at which Lady Bracknell's butler is able to perform the task himself.
Lady Bracknell has heard her correspondent's explanation about lightbulb frailty before, but prefers to imagine that said bulbs are making a positive choice to behave in as contrary a manner as possible.
(Lady Bracknell's tendency to imbue inanimate objects with malicious intent towards her person is a long-held one. At her age, she fears she is unlikely to change.)
The maid has yet to return to Bracknell Towers with Energy-Saving lightbulbs which will fit within the confines of the light fittings in question. Those which have been purchased to date are currently residing in table lamps.
As a general rule, Lady Bracknell is not fond of the quality of light cast from ceiling fixtures, and shares the Goldfish's preference for the pools of light shed by lamps. There are, however, some rooms in which this is not an option.
Mr Dawson is wrong to envisage her ladyship as a figure frozen in time, as it might be Miss Havisham.
If he had considered, he would have realised that an electrical supply is necessary for the functioning of the computing device used by her ladyship's editor.
Lady Bracknell will take Mr Dawson's thoughtful suggestion of library steps under consideration.
Mr Dawson seems determined to envisage Lady Bracknell as being frozen in time.
Even in her youth she had no need of carrier pigeons or semaphor, relying instead on the dependable postal service which was in operation at the time. (Lady Bracknell will refrain from airing her views on the dependability of the current postal service at this juncture, but Mr Dawson can be sure that she has much to say on the matter.)
Lady Bracknell would ask Mr Dawson to refrain from insulting her editor in future. She chooses her staff with care, and will not stand for their being vilified in this way.
If Mr Dawson had paid more attention to his schoolmasters, he might have comprehended more easily that the clause, "in this way", qualifies, "being vilified", and NOT, "will not stand".
Mr Dawson shows remarkable restraint.
The chauffeur, Dude, has agreed to change the defunct lightbulbs next Tuesday. In fact, he offered to do so today when he dropped off Lady Bracknell's groceries, but she was keen to return to her various duties and felt that she could happily wait until next week for the return of full illumination to Bracknell Towers.
Miss Katie would like to send her deepest sympathies to her honourable lady ship Lady B as she can sympathise with lightbulbs giving gloom to Bracknell toowers as Fraser towers seems to have suffered the same darkness as Miss Katie is cross about her living room being plunged into darkness and is being lit by the kitchen lights and a small bedroom bedside lamp!!!!!
ARRGH! Luckily Miss Katie's Dad will relieve the problem tomorrow. Thank goodness for Royal Highness the Father!
Lady Bracknell concurs with Miss Katie's implication that men truly come into their own with regards to tasks such as changing lightbulbs. She has also found them useful in the past for opening jars and taking out rubbish. Beyond that, she is of the opinion that their uses are somewhat limited, and that a household can carry on very well in their absence.
As is proper to persons of quality, Lord and Lady Bracknell enjoyed separate bedrooms. She therefore never deployed him as a back scratching implement.
Lady Bracknell is confident that she can struggle through what remains of her life without ever again feeling the desire to be at close quarters with sperm, or with the means of its conveyance.
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