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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Lady Bracknell fulminates about public transport

Although Lady Bracknell's social circle includes friends of many years' standing who can be relied upon to proclaim their unstinting admiration for her at a moment's notice, there is not one among them who would so far perjure himself as to assert that Lady Bracknell is light on her feet.

Lady Bracknell is not a young woman, and the high drama in which she spent her early years has taken its toll.To be brutally frank, Lady Bracknell is crippled. She is stalwart of character, nevertheless, and continues to conduct her duties with fortitude, although she expects that lesser ladies faced with comparable physical agonies would very probably sink fragrantly on to their daybeds, dabbing feebly at their temples with fine linen handkerchieves drenched in laudanum.

In the course of her daily duties, Lady Bracknell frequently travels by the local omnibus service. (She despairs of the poor standard of cleanliness which is generally evident in the interior of these vehicles, and of the lack of respect shown to one of her age and social standing by the local young ruffians. But the late Lord Bracknell's wealth was not infinite, and Lady Bracknell must make these small economies wherever she may safely do so without their exciting undue comment from her contemporaries.)

Lady Bracknell has three observations to make about her ease of travel. She cannot impress upon her readership enough that any of the three problems to which she is about to turn her pen could be easily rectified if all members of society would only summon the common decency to consider the needs of others.

  • Lady Bracknell carries a handsome walking stick about her person when she leaves the house. She does not do this for idle show. Indeed, she could not walk safely without it. When she was first reduced to the exigencies of travelling by omnibus, she had supposed that younger and fitter passengers would recognise her physical infirmities, and offer her their seats. Lady Bracknell is grieved to report that her confidence in the capacity of her fellow travellers to demonstrate consideration in this matter was sadly misplaced.

  • Lady Bracknell also deplores the tendency displayed by the drivers of said vehicles to draw out with considerable speed into traffic without waiting for their frailer passengers to be seated or, at the very least, to attach themselves firmly to one of the many rails intended to secure them against the potential damage to their persons occasioned by violent movement.

  • Beyond all else, Lady Bracknell must protest in the strongest possible terms against the selfishness of motor car owners who park their vehicles at omnibus stops. The capacity of drivers to ignore the clear road markings which expressly forbid such a practice would cause Lady Bracknell's jaw to drop, were she not much too well bred to allow such a vulgar expression of emotion to sully the porcelain perfection of her features. Alighting from the step of the omnibus is a perilous undertaking for Lady Bracknell even when the vehicle has pulled in to be flush with the pavement. On those occasions when the presence of a motor car has resulted in her being forced to disembark onto the surface of the road itself, Lady Bracknell has experienced indescribable pain.

In closing, Lady Bracknell wishes to stress that consideration costs nothing, and to remind those who use public transport that a handsome walking stick is capable of inflicting considerable, albeit temporary, 'accidental' damage to the exposed ankles of passengers who are too engrossed in their daily periodicals to give up their seat to one whose need for it is greater than their own.

4 Comments:

Blogger The Goldfish said...

Lady Bracknell, welcome to the Blogsphere! I am the Goldfish, who on the Ouch Messageboard goes under the name of D H Kelly.

I hadn't read a single post before I adjusted my links to include your blog, because I knew it would be fantastic. I was not wrong.

10:27 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell is not generally given to public displays of emotion, but her cantankerous old lady mask slipped when she read your generous comments.

A tear sprang unbidden to her rhuemy old eye.

As soon as her editor has worked out how to link to the blogs of other persons from this one, she will insist that yours has pride of place.

11:54 am  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

May I suggest that Lady Bracknell's editor goes to the screen where you create and edit posts. There are four tabs along the top: Postings, Settings, Template and View Blog.

If your editor clicks on Template, he or she will see all the gubbins that gives the structure to what you see on the screen.

If your editor then scrolls down, he or she will eventually spot something like this;

<MainOrArchivePage>
<h2 class="sidebar-title">Archives</h2>

<ul class="archive-list">
<BloggerArchives>
<li><a href="<$BlogArchiveURL$>"><$BlogArchiveName$></a></li>
</BloggerArchives>
<ArchivePage><li><a href="<$BlogURL$>">Current Posts</a></li></ArchivePage>
</ul>
</MainOrArchivePage>

This is the bit of gobbledigook which puts your archives on the sidebar, so this is the area of the template which deals with the sidebar.

If your editor then puts

<h2>Lady Bracknell's Associates</h2>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://blobolobolob.blogspot.com">The Diary of A Golfish</a> - The magniloquent journals of a gilded aquatic vertebrate.</li>
</ul>

Clicks "Save Template Changes" and then Republishes the blog, then you'll have a link. Obviously, Lady Bracknell should chose her own words.

In order to link to other sights, just copy the code within and including the <li> tags and paste it within the <ul> tags, then change the appropriate details to link elsewhere (presuming there is any other sight worthy of Lady Bracknell's recommendation).

If your editor has any other questions or queries he or she is quite welcome to consult me. There is a facility to contact me by e-mail through my profile.

1:18 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Her editor appears to be rather scared by the complexity of the esteemed Goldfish's technical recommendations. But Lady Bracknell is nevertheless determined to haul said editor out of the wardrobe in which she is currently hiding, and to stand over her until she has at least attempted to put your advice into practice. (After all, Lady Bracknell does not pay her editor a generous allowance on top of providing bed and board just so that she can cower in wardrobes when the going gets tough.)

1:30 pm  

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