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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Lady Bracknell is alarmed

Lady Bracknell's regular readers are aware that she is very much impeded in her daily comings and goings by virtue of the constant pain which she experiences. She therefore spends considerable periods of time in rest and recuperation at her home, rising occasionally from her recumbent posture to dip her nib in the ink bottle and record her musings on the writing paper with which her stationers have long been supplying her. (Lady Bracknell regrets that the electronic nature of the present method of communication prevents her readers from fully appreciating the exceptional quality of this paper, but assures them that - could they but run their fingers over it - they would appreciate that, in this as in so many things, she has the most exquisite taste.)

Lady Bracknell instructs her servants to keep the windows of her house open as often, and for as long, as possible. From her earliest childhood onwards, Lady Bracknell has been accustomed to bracing temperatures, and she abhors a stuffy room. She has of late been regularly subjected to appalling cacophonies of noise from the street below. Having made enquiries of the boot boy, she now understands that these hideous noises emanate from certain types of electronic alarm. Evidently, these devices can be fitted both to houses and to motor cars. Lady Bracknell would venture to question the benefit of these alarms, as she has yet to discover a single instance of their effectively summoning aid to the injured party. She believes that these modern devices are not only ineffectual for the purpose for which they were designed, but that they are also a major contributor to the phenomenon of "noise pollution".

Lady Bracknell is also often woken from her slumbers by the untimely intrusion of a police helicopter into the skies directly above her house. Indeed, she has often gained the impression from the propinquity of the helicopter that the miscreant must be sheltering in her own back garden. Lady Bracknell is a fervent supporter of our officers of the law, and fully accepts that the measures taken to keep persons of quality safe are entirely necessary. Nevertheless, she begins to feel as though she is living in a war zone.


Blogger Becca said...

Your humble servant, ma'am.

Might I dare to suggest a device known as 'ear-plugs', milady? They are themselves productive of a certain irritation, but this may greatly subsume that of the external noise.

11:46 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell's younger brother swears by these, but she has not herself used them to date for fear that she might fail to hear her mroning alarm call, and thus be rather more than fashionably late for her appointments.

8:25 am  
Blogger Becca said...

Were the morning alarm call the only concern of the good Lady, I would but recommend an alarm clock of the type designed for Deaf people; the vibrating pad thereof being quite compatible with earplugs.

2:24 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

It is apparent to Lady Bracknell that her correspondent has researched this issue with considerable vigour. She is grateful for the recommendation, and will ponder the matter further.

She notes the irony of the fact that the helicopter is once again hovering overhead as she writes....

3:18 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

Does such frequent presence of the helicopter not suggest that Lady Bracknell is under surveillance? Should her ladyship be reminded that whilst snuff and smelling salts are permitted, there are certain substances enjoyed by Queen Victoria herself which have since fallen into prohibition?

And I am not referring to certain German delicacies.

7:28 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Well, really!! Lady Bracknell is sure she does not know to what you are referring!! (She suspects that your reference to "certain German delicacies" is probably more than a little unseemly, however.)

Lady Bracknell's character is as spotless as her linen. The only 'substance' of which she avails herself is a little tobacco to steady her nerves.

7:41 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

My apologises. I'm sure Lady Bracknell is as you say, as spotless as her linen, although given her advanced years and the ironing habits of her laundress, I imagine there are one or two creases.

There are some that say smoking is a filthy habit and unbecoming to a lady. However, it cannot be as harmful to the constitution as they rumour, when smoking positively cures kippers.

9:45 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Although Lady Bracknell considers it to be more than a trifle impertinent in her young correspondent to cast doubt on the professional skills of her launderess - not to mention to draw attention to her ladyship's seniority in years - she admires her correspondent's spunk, and is willing to confirm that much of her linen is no longer in its first flush of youth.

9:54 pm  

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