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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Handicrafts Lady Bracknell will not be taking up

Lady Bracknell's editor generally prides herself on her ability to defeat the mighty Google search engine by two falls and a submission, but it is Dude the chauffeur who must take the dubious credit for unearthing the deeply bizarre Tamponcrafts website. Readers of a sensitive disposition are advised to particularly avoid the disturbing bloody tampon heart earrings which allow the wearer to "display both your romantic sentiments and your menstrual pride". (Lady Bracknell would like to make it abundantly clear at this juncture that she herself is entirely devoid of "menstrual pride". Further, even were she replete with "menstrual pride", she would not choose to display it in combination with any romantic sentiments she might be harbouring. She would, she feels sure, wish to keep the two things entirely separate.)

However, even the tastelessness of tampon crafts pales into comparitive insignificance once one is reeling from one's first encounter with the quite staggeringly unpleasant Crochet My Crotch website.

Had Lady Bracknell been toying with the idea of becoming what she believes is termed "computer literate" - for example for the purposes of continuing to add to her blog while the editor is away sampling the bright lights of London - the knowledge that it might be possible to stumble across such sites by accident would be more than sufficient to change her mind.


Blogger Mary said...

It is with regret that I advise Lady Bracknell that there are far, far worse things lurking in the depths of the Internet than those examples.

By way of light relief, I would like to show Lady Bracknell some rather more tasteful creations by my friend Dominocat.

May I also express solidarity in being, as you put it, "devoid of menstrual pride", it seems to me about as pointless as having pride in blowing one's nose.

11:41 am  
Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I read somewhere that there are or used to be, in America, "cow-chip hurling" contests: see who can throw a cow-chip the furthest!

I leave it to your imagination what a cow-chip is.

3:43 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

It is a relief to Lady Bracknell to see that there are some places where crochet hooks are still being put to wholesome use.

6:02 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, thank heaven-- it's only food coloring. I was worried for a moment, there.

6:09 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

As was Lady Bracknell.

6:11 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

There is a Brazillian artist called Adriana Bertini who makes lovely garments out of French Letters.

The Goldfish, being a bit of closet Pagan, does not regard menstruation on a par with blowing one's nose. But both her Ladyship and Mary will be relieved that she prefers to express her menstrual pride in the privacy of her own stone circle and then only on a full moon.

9:17 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Menstrual pride"? "Menstrual PRIDE"?!?

How very surprising.

Though I certainly don't hold with menstrual shame, I must say I also can't see how this should be anything in which to take pride.

Perhaps dandruff can be worn as a way of showing one's exfoliatory pride.

9:39 pm  
Blogger Katie said...

One is forced to wonder what in heavens name Dude was searching for when he made the mighty Google cough up those sites...

I mean, what *did* he type into the search engine?


12:12 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

I can't answer for the Dude - although he may drop by the blog and provide his own explanation.

The crotch-crocheting one is one of my own finds, though. After stumbling - whilst looking for patterns for knitted toys - across the knitted uterus, I was intrigued to find out what else people fashion from yarn in this day and age...

The Editor

8:05 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

May I enquire if Dude was googlewhacking (excuse the term - it's not as bad as it sounds)?

If so, I would humbly suggest your ladyship is far too lenient with regards to hours of employment?

1:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my. It so happens that a friend of mine has met the woman who makes the knitted uteri. Evidently, she made her acquaintence in a doctor's waiting room, where said knitter was in the process of putting together hundreds of the things to take to Washington to throw on the Capitol steps during a pro-choice rally. I would have loved to see that.

3:00 pm  
Blogger Wrinkled Weasel said...

What you bin googling Lady B?

Methinks you have an enquiring but prurient mind.

I sent this stuff to Mrs Weasel and she dare not even open them at work.

I dimissed them as American, and therefore not subject to serious scrutiny.

7:54 pm  
Blogger Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

It certainly makes cross-stitch look a little dull by comparison. I will never be able to use the expression "swallow my pride" again without gagging.

11:12 am  

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