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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Lady Bracknell makes a spectacle of herself. Several times.

Lady Bracknell recently took a long, hard look at the contents of her armoires. Interspersed at regular intervals among her outfits for everyday wear, she discovered garments fashioned from lustrous velvets and silks such as are only suitable for evening wear. It would appear that her ladyship has a weakness for such items, particularly when their price is reduced. However, given that Lady Bracknell has only been fit enough to attend an evening function three times in the last eighteen months, such purchases are clearly a waste of her carefully-husbanded resources.

Lady Bracknell has therefore vowed that she will buy no more of these sumptuous garments until such time as she has either worn all of them at least once, or has experienced such a miraculous improvement in her physical state that she can anticipate regular attendance at balls and parties. As neither of these alternatives is remotely likely, she has decided instead to redirect such spare funds as are in her possession towards increasing her collection of more than ordinarily well-designed spectacles.

To this end, she directed her editor to search diligently on ebay for frames designed and manufactured by the marvellous Monsieur Mikli. (This was not by any means an unkindness, as Lady Bracknell is well aware that her editor derives considerable pleasure from the brinksmanship inherent in bidding in the final seconds of auctions in an attempt to win the desired item for the lowest possible price.)

Three splendid pairs thus acquired at well below their recommended retail price, Lady Bracknell betook herself to Blankstone’s magnificent optical emporium with a request that they be glazed in accordance with her own prescription. (Lady Bracknell is fortunate in that her sight is only minimally impaired, so her lenses are not prohibitively expensive. She is aware that, were Master Marmite, for example, to hanker after multiple pairs of spectacles, the cost of the lenses would render him very severely out of pocket.)

The casual observer might be justified in concluding that three new pairs of spectacles would be more than sufficient. However, those who know her ladyship intimately will be able to confirm that, once she has the bit between her teeth, she cannot easily be reigned in. The charming Mr Blankstone has ordered a further pair of frames for her ladyship in a most attractive shade of pistachio green. All four pairs will be available within the fortnight.

Readers who consider themselves to be amusing would do well to refrain from posting comments mentioning any perceived similarities between Lady Bracknell and Sir Elton John. Such comparisons will be met with the cold disdain which they clearly deserve.


Blogger Gimpy Mumpy said...

These are lovely. I find that when I finally find a pair that I love, and that are comfortable, then I must get more than one pair!

2:49 am  
Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I must say I had always imagined her Ladyship with a gold lorgnette, the better to direct a freezing stare at upstarts (like me).

2:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am reminded Ma’am of a time before entering Your Ladyship’s employ, when I found myself temporarily appointed to the household of Sir Elton John. He too had a marvellous collection of spectacle frames for all occasions …

11:34 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Staff who deliberately and publicly fly in the face of their employer's clearly stated wishes can not expect to remain long in a particular household. Nor to be given a good character by their erstwhile employer.

11:39 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell applies Gimpy Mumpy's approach to spectacles to shoes, as she can so rarely find any which are tolerably attractive AND which fit.

6:28 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

While Lady Bracknell flirted with a lorgnette in her youth, she does not wish to adopt an anachronistic appearance in the modern world. Also, she is a sucker for beautifully coloured acrylic.....

6:33 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh darn it Ma'am. You saw straight through me assumed anonimity, and that's no lie.

How d'you do it Ma'am? One of such noteworthy insight and perpicacity is surely not to be trifled with. These qualities must indeed be very useful in your daily dealings with the lower classes.

Which reminds me. Has yer Ladyship ever received any recognition as such for your endeavours amongst the deserving poor and needy?

10:54 pm  

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