Lady Bracknell makes a spectacle of herself. Several times.

Lady Bracknell recently took a long, hard look at the contents of her armoires. Interspersed at regular intervals among her outfits for everyday wear, she discovered garments fashioned from lustrous velvets and silks such as are only suitable for evening wear. It would appear that her ladyship has a weakness for such items, particularly when their price is reduced. However, given that Lady Bracknell has only been fit enough to attend an evening function three times in the last eighteen months, such purchases are clearly a waste of her carefully-husbanded resources.


Lady Bracknell has therefore vowed that she will buy no more of these sumptuous garments until such time as she has either worn all of them at least once, or has experienced such a miraculous improvement in her physical state that she can anticipate regular attendance at balls and parties. As neither of these alternatives is remotely likely, she has decided instead to redirect such spare funds as are in her possession towards increasing her collection of more than ordinarily well-designed spectacles.


To this end, she directed her editor to search diligently on ebay for frames designed and manufactured by the marvellous Monsieur Mikli. (This was not by any means an unkindness, as Lady Bracknell is well aware that her editor derives considerable pleasure from the brinksmanship inherent in bidding in the final seconds of auctions in an attempt to win the desired item for the lowest possible price.)



Three splendid pairs thus acquired at well below their recommended retail price, Lady Bracknell betook herself to Blankstone’s magnificent optical emporium with a request that they be glazed in accordance with her own prescription. (Lady Bracknell is fortunate in that her sight is only minimally impaired, so her lenses are not prohibitively expensive. She is aware that, were Master Marmite, for example, to hanker after multiple pairs of spectacles, the cost of the lenses would render him very severely out of pocket.)


The casual observer might be justified in concluding that three new pairs of spectacles would be more than sufficient. However, those who know her ladyship intimately will be able to confirm that, once she has the bit between her teeth, she cannot easily be reigned in. The charming Mr Blankstone has ordered a further pair of frames for her ladyship in a most attractive shade of pistachio green. All four pairs will be available within the fortnight.

Readers who consider themselves to be amusing would do well to refrain from posting comments mentioning any perceived similarities between Lady Bracknell and Sir Elton John. Such comparisons will be met with the cold disdain which they clearly deserve.