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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Bracknell Towers Crumbles

Within the last three quarters of an hour, Lady Bracknell heard a sharp report. She imagines it was the kind of noise which is produced when a gun is fired but, having never actually heard a gun being fired, she cannot be entirely sure. She certainly would not wish to mislead her readers. In any event, it was a noise loud enough to rouse the household.

Scrupulous investigations into the source of the noise have revealed a large hole in the withdrawing room window. The hole is about two inches across, and in the shape of a very small horse's hoof. There is no sign of a missile, and no glass on the rug. What is particularly odd is the fact that the hole looks as if it has been made from the inside. Further investigations have produced no very small but enraged horses, so the cause of the hole is a mystery.

Lady Bracknell will have to contact the local glaziers by telephone tomorrow, and arrange for them to visit on Tuesday, when she will be at home. It is, of course, the largest window in Bracknell Towers, so her ladyship imagines that having it replaced will not be cheap.

Any felons happening upon her ladyship's blog should note that the door to the withdrawing room will be locked tomorrow. (As it always is when Bracknell Towers is empty.) Any such villain anticipating, therefore, that it will be an easy job to shin up a ladder and push the rest of the pane of glass out of place would do well to remember that anything he steals will have to be removed via that same ladder. Lady Bracknell's circular art deco china cabinet is certainly very fine, but she suspects that it would lose virtually all of its resale value should it need to be thrown out of a window.

Should the villain in question be one of the resourceful kind who is also skilled in picking locks, Lady Bracknell would like to stress that she keeps a domestic cat of more than usual ferocity.


Blogger Charlesdawson said...

Dear Lady Bracknell, be of good cheer, the explanation for your Mysterious Event is quite obvious: Bracknell Towers is haunted, as one would expect of any aristocratic ancestral pile.

Possibly the late Lord Bracknell trying to communicate? Or possibly an enraged poltergeist doing its thing?

Even my humble cottage has one of those, as I was assured by the previous owner, with a meaning smile which I didn't dare ask her the meaning of. I am quite inured to strange noises, crashes and rumbles of no discoverable provenance, which can't all be put down to the cats or my digestive apparatus.

I would not, however, rely upon the protection of Fishbone. In my experience, cats hide determinedly from benevolent strangers such as vets, and relatives from whom I have expectations, but fawn with enthusiasm upon the unsuitable and unsavoury.

12:10 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Mr Dawson will no doubt forgive Lady Bracknell if she fails to draw great reassurance from his poltergeist theory.

The glaziers are engaged for tomorrow.

6:42 pm  
Blogger marmiteboy said...

I can vouch for the cat. She is a tigeress and no mistake. That is when she is not hiding or dribbling whilst being stroked. A fine feline specimen must say.

I have been to Bracknell Towers twice in the last 2 years, although several times before that.The good lady has let me sleep in her coal shed a couple of times on visits to her city in the north. I had to enter via the tradesmans entrance but that was only because I'm from the lower classes. I can fully understand Lady B's reluctance to admit me through her grand hall (sorry this is sounding filthy,it's not meant to). Her social standing would surely be harmed if it was known she was acquainted with southern riff-raff.

9:16 pm  
Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I trust Her Ladyship's fenestration has been duly re-fenestrated. Perhaps the secretary-companion would let us know? The world awaits.

7:30 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

The glaziers return upon the morrow, complete with glass. Their visit on Tuesday was for the purposes of measuring up and costing. Lady Bracknell must be up betimes, for fear that they will otherwise catch sight of her in her night attire.

8:21 pm  

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