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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Thursday, July 05, 2007

The rain it raineth every day

I would just like to say here, for the record, that the next time I have to listen to some vacuous bint screaming at the top of her voice for no other reason than that she has got caught in the rain, I will not be responsible for my actions.

It's not raining acid. (I know. I've been out in it myself. I didn't dissolve.)

It's water. You know, the stuff you shower in? It makes you wet. I'm sorry if getting wet seems to you to be the end of the world, but some of the people past whose houses you run screeching like a demented harpy have got bigger problems to deal with.

Here's a handy tip. How about dressing appropriately for the weather? Have you ever considered, for example, carrying an umbrella? Or are umbrellas desperately uncool? I mean, so uncool that they're even less cool than arriving at your chosen destination wringing wet?

If the very idea of dressing appropriately for the weather fills you with abject horror, how about only going out when you're reasonably confident that it isn't going to rain? You might want to start following something called the Weather Forecast. I bet you can get it delivered to your mobile phone if watching it on television isn't acceptable to you. Ok, so it's not a hundred percent reliable. But it might just give you an idea of when it will be safe to wear that skimpy, strappy little top without running the risk of your nipples becoming visible the moment the fabric gets even slightly damp.

Or - and this is something people used to do quite a lot in the Olden Days - you could look at the bloody sky. It's really not that complicated. Blue sky = sunshine. Fluffy white clouds = fine, if slightly overcast. Dark clouds = significant risk of rain.

Oh, and as you clearly haven't got your head round the issue of when it might actually be considered appropriate to scream loudly when you're walking along a street, I have generously compiled the following full and comprehensive list:-

1. When you're being attacked.

2. When you are about to be mown down by an oncoming vehicle.

3. There is no 3.

The Editor


Blogger Katie said...

Umbrella? But I can't carry an umbrella because then I have no hands and even though I only have a stick in one hand I need the other one to balance with.

My brother *did* offer to acquire me one of those umbrella hat things.

I declined.

10:42 pm  
Blogger Kerrio said...

She could always use a weather stone.

Weather Stone

11:54 pm  
Anonymous JackP said...

Nothing much really - other than my demand for 32 years pocket money (see Ouch!) - and to say that the phrase:

"the next time I have to listen to some vacuous bint screaming at the top of her voice for no other reason than that she has got caught in the rain, I will not be responsible for my actions"

...ought to be inscribed in the blog hall of fame. It's beautiful; just the right mixture of wit and venom!

1:19 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Me neither, Kate. It's the stick-user's curse. I have spent large portions of the last two weeks as wet at as very wet thing which. I've had to change out of my wet clothes when I got home from work*.

But I haven't screamed about it. And I bet you haven't, either.

*It was, however, a mistake to say to Pop, "I've never been so wet before that I've had to take my knickers off". It may take me a very long time indeed to live that one down...

6:16 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Oh, Kerrio, that's brilliant! I love it!

6:18 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Certainly, Jack. Goodness, I've just done the sums. Sixpence a week over that length of time really mounts up, doesn't it? You'll be able to buy yourself quite a number of yoyos with that. Won't that be fun?

And might I also offer 32 years' worth of me spitting on my hanky and rubbing invisible dirty marks off your face in front of all your nice little friends?

Venom? Yes. At the risk of sounding as old as Methuselah, in my day young ladies did not communicate by way of a variety of piercing shrieks. And the sooner the fashion for so doing falls firnly out of favour, the happier I shall be.

6:25 am  
Blogger The Gorse Fox said...

Amen, amen, amen.

8:14 am  
Blogger Mary said...

I've just got a big waterproof - hood, very long sleeves that can cover my hand and the handle of my stick, comes to halfway down my thighs and fits over any of my jumpers and fleeces - that when not in use, rolls up to about the size of a packet of biscuits. Umbrella problem solved, and it's never blown inside out on a gusty day either.

In fairness to the young lady and her attire, I must say that over the last week I have been leaving the house to go to the corner shop when a peek out the window confirmed dry pavements and blue sky, but upon getting home I have been rained on. The best the forecasts will offer is "changeable".

10:47 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...


I am not saying that it is always possible to know when the next cloudburst will happen, nor that it isn't unpleasant getting wet. I'm more tolerant of rain than most people, and even I have had enough of it this week.

My point is that, if you are one of the legions of vapid teenagers who consider themselves to be too "street" and "hard" to wear or carry waterproof clothing, then you should expect to have no protection from the rain and, conversely, be expected to put up with getting soaked without waking the whole street up with your high-pitched screeching in the early hours of the morning.

11:27 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Mr Fox,

Nice to see you back, sir!

11:28 am  
Blogger Dame Honoria Glossop said...

I want a weather stone, it's fabulous.

1:15 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way off topic for this thread, but I was wondering if you had seen today's (July 6 '07) post at Dave Hingsburger's blog entitled "Go! Now! Start!" and whether you were thinking of blogging on that topic. (Objecting to a thread on an unofficial web site for people in Britain's army in which military people have been exchanging what they apparently consider to be amusing fantasies about teasing, tormenting, or outright torturing and hurting people with disabilities, particularly children and adults with Down's Syndrome; the thread in question is at http://www.arrse.co.uk/cpgn2/Forums/viewtopic/t=13451.html.)

4:07 pm  
Blogger Katie said...

True, I didn't scream.

Everyone gave me patronising smiles as they passed me.

It is the sticky crips curse that not only can we not carry umbrellas, we cannot walk fast enough to get out of the rain quickly.

It's a wonder we get out of bed at all, really.

In what may be an showbiz anecdote too far, long before the days they dated MPs, I once spent a rainy afternoon hanging out in a field with the Cheeky Girls.

It was wet. I was wet.

One of the Cheeky Boyfriends noticed my predicament and let me share his umbrella.

I liked him.

4:09 pm  
Blogger Jess said...

I wish I could get away with wearing a skimpy, strappy top in the rain. I can't. Grumble.

What is it with the shrieky young women these days? They're almost as bad as the ones who talk like they're six.

4:22 pm  
Anonymous SphinxQueen said...

Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!!! Water just makes you wet, does it?

Have you not seen the Wizard of Oz? Did you not notice what plain water did to the Wicked Witch?

"I'M MELTING!!! I'M MELTING!!!!!" etc

Surely that would form the third acceptable reason to scream in the street? Especially if (bad thought coming up) it really did remove the screamer once and for all?

6:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If the sound of screeching disturbs you, then why don't you merely turn off your hearing aids and be done with it?

Oh, that's right. I had forgotten for a moment that you are afflicted with the tragic condition of Deaf Impairment and therefore do not wear hearing aids with a convenient volume control and off-switch. My apologies. I had not intended to remind you of your particular disability-challenge. :-D


9:20 pm  
Anonymous Aging Juvenile Binky Huckabuck said...

May I just say that it is the possibility of the skimpy strappy tops, which you so eloquently described, doing what they do in this kind of weather that makes elderly gentlemen such as myself believe that it may just be worthwhile getting out of bed each morning?

A fine, penetrating drizzle; a stiff breeze; everyone dressed as if it's Summer - yet having to smoke outdoors. Splendid!

12:18 am  
Blogger jabber63 said...

Just wanted to say my dad is a compleate rain-a-phobe. (New word: a person wich an irrational fear of rain.)

I am very used to being soacked through by rain, hail, snow, and sleet. As a visually imparied chick I cant drive, nor do I have the money for constant taxies. I dress appropreatly for the weather.

My mother is the same, but blinder and has the addid issue that her guide dog Ian does not like puddles. Somhow he is fine in the park to run, jump and evan drink out of a muddy puddle. But a reletivly clean puddle in the street, he couldnt possibly walk through that, and tends to walk so his feet are dry and my mums are wet! Very amuseing.

My dad however is a compleate rain-a-phobe, it would be incredibly funny if it where not so bloody annoying! evan with appropreate clothing he cannot possibly get rained on!

I draw the conclusion that being rain-a-phobic is linked to:

1) Being a Male
2) Being non-disabled
3) being a car user

My dad falling in to all 3 catogres is in trobble perhaps suffereing from rain-a-phobia is perhaps a disability.

I would just like to add that I am liking your blogging on the Ouch website it's really good!

keep up the good stuff!

5:35 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Hi, Jabber63: thanks for your kind words about the Ouch blogging.

You're quite right, of course: those of us who are used to standing waiting for buses in the pouring rain are generally a great deal more tolerant of inclement weather than the people who drive everywhere.

However, as some of my fellow bus-travellers and I have discussed, the fact that the vast majority of people leave their centrally-heated house to get into their car to cross ten yards of car park to get into a centrally-heated office means that it's increasingly difficult to find winter coats which will actually keep you warm.

A lot of the coats which look as though they would be warm - what with the faux fur round the hood, and that sort of thing - are actually very lightweight, and quite useless at coping with penetrating wind. (Note to Boogaloo Dude: no, not that sort of wind.)

And, again because so many people use cars, it's harder than it used to be to get full-length coats.

Me, though, I'd still rather get a breath of fresh air of a morning (albeit a rather damp one) than swap one stuffy, over-heated environment for another.

7:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do I get the feeling that the so-called "Aging Juvenile Binky Huckabuck" is actually Bugaloo Dude in disguise? :)


8:47 pm  
Blogger jabber63 said...

Thanks for the introduction on ouch! I dont mind, and i am not embaressed !

as for coats I would suggest mens ones from millets... i did my work exprence in millets a copple of years ago, and there ladys ones are ridiculesly small and being a tall person one needs a long coat so i would suggest a blokes one!

10:42 pm  
Blogger Pixie said...

Hello, got here via fluttertongue.

Love this post, very very funny.

If it's ok with you I'm going to put you on mu roll for further entertainment.

10:51 pm  

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