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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

In which Lady Bracknell makes a surprising discovery

It has come to Lady Bracknell's attention today that she is being publicly acclaimed as a femme fatale. Stella, Miss Prism and Turtle have received similar plaudits. (Although Prism has undergone a rather unfortunate transformation to "Miss Prim".)

As an elderly widow of quiet and respectable habits, Lady Bracknell has never previously envisaged herself in such a role. However, she hopes that she is not so entirely hidebound by the strictures of her class and upbringing as to reject new ideas out of hand without giving them her mature and objective consideration. (Except for roller blading, of course. Some things are just too preposterous for words.)

Lady Bracknell has pondered the matter in her spare moments during what has been a decidedly busy day. She has come to the conclusion that, in order for her to perform convincingly in the role of femme fatale, some adjustments to her wardrobe will be necessitated.

Dude, the chauffeur, is likely to interject at this point that Lady Bracknell is constantly supplementing her wardrobe, and that this would just be the latest in a long line of excuses. Really, the man is incorrigible! Were it not for his constant willingness to put his superior height to good use by changing the light bulbs in Bracknell Towers, Lady Bracknell would have reconsidered his employment long ago.

That aside, Lady Bracknell is persuaded that she will need some elbow-length black satin gloves, over which she will wear costume jewellery of a more than customarily dazzling appearance. A slender menthol cigarette carried in a long, elegant holder would seem to be de rigueur, as would a great deal of dark eyeshadow, accompanied by a very considerable application of mascara.

If Lady Bracknell is to play the part well, she will need to be able to drop smouldering glances over her right shoulder. Unfortunately, current stiffness in her cervical vertebrae precludes such a practice. Any gentleman desirous of being glanced at in a smouldering manner will need to position himself only very slightly to one side of her ladyship. This is what is known as a "reasonable adjustment".

There should be no need for further investment in perfumes, as Lady Bracknell is already more than fully equipped with an extensive range of Thierry Mugler's creations. (She has refrained to date from boring her readers with the details of her Mugler collection, but can assure them that it is unusually comprehensive.)

The problem of appropriate footwear for a femme fatale is, however, exercising her ladyship's mind considerably. How is she to disguise her extra-wide orthopaedic flat shoes as something which would be worn by a Woman of Mystery? Suggestions made via the comments facility will, as always, be welcomed.

7 Comments:

Blogger stella said...

One also has considerable trouble purchasing appropriate footwear for a femme fatale when one is able to wear only children's shoes. Small children's shoes at that. Size 13.

I do, however, enjoy dressing as a femme fatale at every opportunity. Black eyeliner, copious lashings of mascara and red lipstick are my friends, and the key to my professional confidence. I usually manage to pull it off, until one's eyes travel to my feet. Today they are clad in some reasonably cute (but still child sized) patent leather thongs... oh how I wish they had heels! (Even though that would require me to take an Allan Key to my footplates and lower them several inches every time I get dressed). At least my toenails are always painted. All hail the invention of the toe ring!

I do also understand that my chosen footwear has much to do with the climate of this fine country, and the fact that if you're brave, you can wear sandals all year long - even in Melbourne. The fact that I don't actually have to USE my feet for anything productive (such as walking) might also have something to do with it. They need a purpose, and it may as well be to look charming!

Footwear and foot decoration aside, I'm quite thrilled to have published the post of the week and honoured to be in such fine company as Lady Bracknell and Turtle.

Hear us roar, ey?

11:03 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"How is she to disguise her extra-wide orthopaedic flat shoes as something which would be worn by a Woman of Mystery?"

Might I suggest, a long, flowing skirt of some slinky, swirly material? Just not quite touching the floor, for safety sake. If the shoes could be dyed, or covered with a material, of a matching colour it would complete the camouflage.

11:13 am  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

I find it quite shocking that her Ladyship has strolled through life as gracefully as she has without a pair of elbow length black satin gloves (The Goldfish recommends an eBay search under "opera gloves").

I also recommend that the ladies carry about a silk handkerchief which can be carelessly dropped, but, due to an inability to bend down to the floor, must be picked up by the nearest gentlemen.

11:37 am  
Anonymous Genna said...

Might one suggest the use of a fan, for subtle communication with Gentlemen?

On the foot front (not literally) one would recommend customised Doc Martens. The steel toe caps come in handy for dealing with recalcitrant chauffeurs.

7:54 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Stella may despair of her tiny feet, but Lady Bracknell is sure that they at least have the virtue of being dainty...

Lady Bracknell is most gratified to see that Stella's impassioned and important blog entry was publicly recognised.

7:54 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Long swirly skirt - check.

Silk handkerchief for accidental dropping - add to shopping list.

Fan - ah yes, Lady Bracknell - being stout of figure and much prone to overheating - has several of these. Check.

Perhaps Lady Bracknell is rather closer to being a femme fatale than she had realised....

7:57 pm  
Blogger Natalie Bennett said...

Glad to hear it, Lady Bracknell. (And apologies for my spelling error with Miss Prism, which has now been fixed.)

Could I suggest perhaps some thigh-high boots - quite the thing for FF, to judge by eBay, and they probably come in flats too. Perhaps in red?

12:27 pm  

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