Bertie's guide to getting one's human up in the morning

When a young cat has been tremendously well-behaved; has slept quietly in his squidgy doughnut bed all night; and has generously refrained from forcing Caspar out of her squidgy doughnut bed despite his suspicions that it might be even more comfortable than his own*, then it seems only reasonable to expect his human to be up and about by 7 in the morning.



However, despite the obvious attractions of being up by 7 at the latest, humans are sometimes still asleep as late as 8. Clearly, this is a dreadful error on their part. They will therefore almost certainly be touchingly grateful for any assistance which a personable young chap might offer.



They will be more deeply asleep at some times than others. This is why one should follow the guide in the order in which it is set down. The later stages will only be required if your human is behaving in a particularly recalcitrant manner.



#1. Fish items of rubbish out of the bedroom wastepaper bin with your dear little paws, and proceed to bat them around the floor. This is so unbearably cute that your human will almost certainly want to wake up and watch. Should the quieter items of rubbish not produce the desired effect, try to find one of those little foil trays in which your human's medication is provided. This allows you to be both cute and noisy.



#2. Put the wind up Caspar so that she runs over the top of the bed and, therefore, over the chest of your sleeping human. (NB it would appear that female cats are both lighter and fleeter of paw than us chaps. We only want to wake the human, not crush her ribs with our superior weight and musculature. Breakfast will undoubtedly be seriously delayed if the human has to call for an ambulance.)



#3. Sharpen your claws on the exposed part of the base of the bed while uttering piteous cries such as might emanate from the mouth of a cat, weak with hunger, who has not eaten for several days. (Humans have notoriously bad memories, and can easily be persuaded that they absent-mindedly forgot to feed you at all yesterday.)



#4. If all else fails, lick your human's toes. This will make her laugh. At which point she will be forced to admit that she is, in fact, awake.



Having used the last sixty minutes to work up a healthy appetite, you can now streak into the kitchen ahead of your more ponderous human and adopt your most winning posture in the vicinity of your food bowls.



(In a multi-human household, it may be possible to repeat this entire process several times before one is caught out.)



You may wish to add variations of your own to this guide, depending on the layout of your own house and the behaviour of your own particular human. For example, Bertie's pen-pal, Oscar, favours head-butting his human on those days when he inexplicably forgets to set his alarm clock.


Whatever your chosen method, however, it is important to remember that your human would genuinely prefer to be up early, and that you are therefore doing him or her a favour.












*They don't have a specific bed each. She sleeps in whichever one he isn't currently in. Until he wakes up and catches sight of her. At which point the bed she's in usually becomes the most desirable residence in the world, and he bounces up and down on her head until she capitulates. (Editor's note)