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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Thursday, September 07, 2006

What will they think of next?

Regular readers may recall Lady Bracknell's fond reminiscences about a diverting toy from her childhood. (The mention of toys may lead Wilf to suppose that this entry will be particularly suited to him. It will not, and Lady Bracknell strongly recommends that Wilf should read no further, lest his innocence be irreparably besmirched.)

It has come as something of a shock to her ladyship to discover that an "adult" version of said erstwhile innocent plaything has recently been introduced onto the open market. (Lady Bracknell is given to understand that "adult", when used as an adjective to describe a product, can generally be assumed to be a euphemism for "pornographic".)

In lieu of the bald pate of a middle-aged gentleman, the purchaser is now faced with the disgracefully shaven nether regions of a young woman. The game, as before, is to wield the accompanying magnet and thereby cover the nakedness with iron filings masquerading as hair.

Is there anything the world needs less than this variant on what was, for many years, a successful product in its own right? Who will purchase it? And for whom?

One aspect of the product confuses Lady Bracknell: what connection does the object pictured above have with a large, amphibious rodent of the genus Castor, having sharp incisors, webbed hind feet, and a flattened tail, noted for its ability to dam streams with trees, branches, etc.? And, given that the beaver has been functioning perfectly well for countless millenia, what possible motivation could there be to design a new version?


Blogger Turtle said...


I saw one prominently displayed in But Is It Art? (Short Answer: No. No it isn't)

Terrible. I haven't felt this awkward since my brother asked if he had menstrual cramps...

2:27 am  
Blogger Fruning Graplecard said...

Dear Lady Bracknell

I fear this is yet another example of a culture in moral freefall; a moribund decadent society in which there is so much disposable income and so little discernment to go with it, that this novel toy may well prove popular with the lower orders.

The Beaver in question may not be the kind you and I admire.

Alas I am at sea with current euphemisms and thus find I am socially at risk when mentioning matching collars and cuffs, merchant bankers and a particular fancy of mine the Sphynx hairless cat..my neighbour down in Scotton Pinkney, Mrs Adora Paine keeps a particularly fine example but did react somewhat bemused when I expressed interest in seeing her bald pussy.

Yours sincerely

Grafas Fruing Graplecard
Order of the Lithuanian Grand Duke Gediminas (2nd Class) Thane of Mavis Enderby

10:25 am  
Blogger Wilf said...

Sorry, I could not help looking as my eyes slipped. Anyway people's bits mean nothing to me as The Parents are always flashing them about (they think it is healthy, I think it is mad and a bit revolting).
What a boring game.

12:43 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

Uh, undoubtedly it is to do with an Franco-English mistranslation. A Frenchman, being most adept in the language of love, may have described that particular bodily area as beau voir - beautiful to see. de Beauvoir is also of course the surname of the great existentialist who wrote the feminist text The Second Sex.

So a Frenchman may well have euphemistically referred to his Englishwoman lover's area de beau voir; implying both it's beauty and assertively feminine nature (okay, so that would make it bel voir, but it was a grammatical error).

The Englishwoman lover reads this and declares, "Cor blimey gov'nor! He's only calling it a beaver!" and since it was French, assumes this to be a sophisticated way of describing that area. Somehow this gets muddled over time and people begin to imagine it was named after a rodent.

It is also the case, I believe, that beaver used to be a common slang for a beard or a heavily bearded man. I have no idea why. Well, her Ladyship did ask.

2:57 pm  
Blogger Fruning Graplecard said...

Dear Lady Bracknell

Tis a mire of multiple meanings.

The ghost of Hamlet's father wore his on his head, in the "up" position.

It behoves me not to ask whither thou wears thine own.

A gentleman would not ask.

10:36 pm  
Blogger stella said...

Thank you thank you thank you for posting this. I currently am stuck at home with a broken leg, and it provided me with several moments of uncontrolled giggling.

9:02 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell is always happy to have been of service.

She has, in the past, spent many months confined to Bracknell Towers, and is only too familiar with the tedium inherent in such incarceration.

11:14 am  
Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I don't wish to appear pedantic about this, but if that drawing really is of a lady, she is physically somewhat unusual and is going to be in real trouble if she drinks anything, mever mind more pleasurable activities.

12:57 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell's innate delicacy prevented her from mentioning the young woman's physical deficiencies.

Although it is a worry.

3:12 pm  
Anonymous Dame Honoria Glossop said...

Dame Honoria is at a loss to understand the purpose of this "toy". Is there now a fashion for nether coiffure ?

In answer to charlesdawson, Dame Honoria had supposed the artist (if they can be called such) of this toy was following the classical tradition of leaving a discreet blank around the nether regions.

9:32 pm  

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