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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

In which the plot thickens

Were Lady Bracknell not still exceedingly unwell*, she would not have been at home this morning to answer the doorbell. On the other hand, had she been feeling a little brighter, she would very probably have recognised the caller without having to be prompted by the gentleman himself.

It was the very charming Mr J___, agent to the landlord who owns the lease on the block of flats of which Bracknell Towers forms a part.

Mr J___ had with him a variety of keys which had been returned to him by the unlamented former tenant. He soon established that he had keys which fit both the Yale and mortice locks of the exterior door. (It is indicative of Mr J___'s delicacy and good manners that he checked to see whether Lady Bracknell was at home rather than simply letting himself in to the communal staircase.)

Once in, he asked who had removed the stair carpet. Lady Bracknell offered him three guesses...

Mr J___ tried several keys in the Yale lock of the flat in question. (Regular readers will recall that the mortice lock was recently removed by the unlamented former tenant.) None of the keys which had been returned to him fit the lock. Lady Bracknell was forced to confess that nothing could have surprised her less.

And so, in order to conduct an inspection of the flat in question, Mr J___ must now hire someone to break in to it and subsequently fit replacement locks. Somewhat to Lady Bracknell's surprise, he agreed with the suggestion she had made in writing that the locks to the exterior door should also be changed. The unlamented former tenant's rent has been paid in full up to the end of her term, and she no longer has any legal right to enter the premises.

This is excellent news, given that she is the type of person who would undoubtedly consider herself to have a perfect right to come back to collect her post in perpetuity. She will probably be very put out to discover that she can no longer do so. Call Lady Bracknell petty and small-minded, but she would very much enjoy seeing the expression on her former neighbour's face when she realises that steps have been taken to prevent her from ever entering the building again.

* The doctor says that Lady Bracknell has a viral infection: it is always good to see that many years of medical training have not been wasted. (Readers are asked to forgive Lady Bracknell if she seems unduly bitter: she was very much looking forward to seeing an old and dear friend at a meeting tomorrow, but must instead spend the day mewed up with daytime television and paracetamol. The novelty of such a method of passing the time faded by mid afternoon of her first day of incarceration.)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would it be worth Lady Bracknell's time to arrange some sort of hidden camera apparatus to perhaps attempt to capture the moment in question?

11:15 pm  
Blogger Mary said...

Hurrah! It's good when a landlord is unexpectedly reasonable.

10:28 am  
Blogger Agent Fang said...

Hurrah! Definite action to banish the nfh forever must be applauded. Maybe her ladyship's forced incarceration will be brightened by the scene of the wretched gel returning only to realise her entrance is forever barred? And that her ladyship would only be doing her a favour by not answering the doorbell for fear of spreading infection?

Which I hope subsides soon. :0)

12:32 pm  
Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I most sincerely trust that her ladyship will soon be restored to her former non-virally compromised self.

A hot drink with something nice in it may help the paracetamol go down in the most delighful way.

3:50 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although all the blog devotees are naturally concerned that Lady Bracknell should enjoy a swift recovery, I can think of one personage who is revelling in Her Ladyship's extra time at home - Madame Caspar, getting a tickled tummy at all hours of the day and night!

8:45 pm  
Blogger Wilf said...

When you are feeling ill, it is the little things which often cheer the most. Hope you feel better soon, Lady B.
Wilf's Mum

8:56 pm  

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