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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lady Bracknell feels a little chilly

Even Lady Bracknell, who is generally fairly impervious to low temperatures, and who was, during her days as a blue-stocking, often affectionately referred to as "the polar bear", is currently feeling a tad chilly.

Reasoning that, this being the case, then many of her regular readers who do not share her ladyship's constitutional resemblance to a storage heater must be cold indeed, and not wishing any of them to succumb unnecessarily to hypothermia, Lady Bracknell instructed her editor to scour the furthest reaches of the Interwebnet for tips on how to keep warm.

Unfortunately, the editor (who, Lady Bracknell reports with no little disapprobation, has become increasingly skittish of late) has failed to take the task as seriously as her employer would have wished. There follows a list of eminently sensible suggestions which, Lady Bracknell is sure, were thought up by thoroughly decent and well-intentioned persons. Regrettably, the editor has appended comments of her own devising.

(Readers wishing to discuss the servant problem with her ladyship are cordially invited to take tea and cucumber sandwiches at Bracknell Towers at their earliest convenience.)

"Keep moving: Any activity, even vacuuming, gets circulation going and makes you feel warmer."
Am loving the way vacuuming is portrayed here as being hardly active at all: wonder what the equivalent is for those of us who have been forbidden to vacuum on medical grounds?

"Keep your home at the right temperature: Hang thermometers in the living room and bedroom and keep temperatures between 21 and 24 degrees Centigrade (70 and 75 degrees Fahrenheit)."
Bit tricky if you're living on benefits, though, surely?

"Keep warm at night: Wearing the right clothing to bed is as important as wrapping up outdoors."
What's the "right clothing", then? Full dinner dress? Knitted balaclava helmet with matching mittens on a string? Pink tutu? Enquiring minds need to know...

"If you stick to flat shoes or boots with textured soles, you won’t slip when it’s icy."
Oh, you reckon? Sorry, not prepared to risk it. You're talking to someone with zero sense of balance, here...

"Try to keep a supply of food in the house, in case you can't get to the shops in very bad weather."
Have these people never heard of online grocery shopping??

"It's tempting to 'huddle' when you feel cold, but sitting still just makes you feel even colder."
So, the answer here for wheelchair users is what, exactly...?

"Get a flu jab"
Yup, done that. Not convinced it's made me feel any warmer, though.

"Keep a flask of hot drink by your bed should you wake up feeling cold."
Accident waiting to happen in my case, that. Am forever knocking stuff off the bedside table in the middle of the night. Over-active dreaming, I put it down to....

"Don't Just Sit There! Standing will increase your heat production by 20% over sitting."
That may well be true, but it will increase my pain levels as well. And by a bloody sight more than 20%.

"Get Into The Swing! For icy hands, swing arms windmill-style."
Or, do what my mother taught me to do, and wrap your hands round your neck. Or someone else's neck. Considerably reduced likelihood of sending ornaments crashing to the floor with the neck method, I reckon.

"Socks should be made of wool or wick-dry synthetics."
There really isn't much point telling me this. I can't put socks on.

"Finally, huddle up close to a loved one so you can keep each other warm."
Oo, now that sounds more like it. I'm off to find someone who's prepared to huddle up with me. Lady Bracknell will have to cope on her own for a bit.


Blogger Chris McMillan said...

Other tips my lady may be interested in; sleep in an airing cupboard(these are invariably warm, cozy and spider free in the winter months if maybe a little cramped); drink 2 bottles of scotch per day( a sure fire way of beating the cold and damaging vital organs-but what the heck you'll die warm); marry Ray Mears ( he never gets cold even in Arctic conditions-so if your boiler breaks down I'm sure he'd think of something)' alternatively Mr Mac could call round and give you a big cuddle-guaranteed warmth:):)

7:36 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Ordinarily, Lady Bracknell would be shocked at Mr Mac's forward suggestion.

However, given the intemperate weather, she would be grateful for the guaranteed warmth which he would be able to transfer, and looks forward to his arrival.

8:43 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

I recommend that her ladyship keeps wearing that magnificent hat at all hours of the day and night - most of our body-heat is lost through our heads they reckon, so wearing a hat (perhaps a more practical wee willy winky type affair would be more suitable for bedtime) is probably of at least the same value as wearing socks at this time of year.

7:08 pm  
Blogger marmiteboy said...

I would pay money to see Lady Bracknell in a Wee Willie Winky hat. The laughter would guarentee to keep me warm at least.

7:40 pm  
Blogger Katie said...

My suggestion your ladyship would be to close the curtains, get into your cosy nightwear and dressing gown and have a hot chocolate as this is the method that Miss Katie chooses to do when she is cold. She favours this method particularly as she did it when she was a child. Hope it works for you your ladyship.

9:09 am  
Blogger melbamae said...

I would suggest the purchase of down filled house slippers and a down filled house robe. I have always been the type to freeze nearly solid in cold weather and have found these two particular items to bring greath wartmth even when having to suffer through minus 15 degree farhenheit weather!

Best of luck!

12:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those pieces of advice remind me of a list I once read of advice for water saving during a drought. Item 1 on the list was: don't leave taps running.

Feeling the symptoms of intellectual overdrive coming on, I read no further.

2:43 pm  

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