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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

If Lady Bracknell ruled the world....

Let it be understood at the outset both that Lady Bracknell has no desire to run the world and that, were a ruler of the world vacancy suddenly to open up, any application which Lady Bracknell might submit would undoubtedly be filed under B for "bin". Nevertheless, Lady Bracknell finds it amusing to ponder on some of the rules which she might bring in, should her word suddenly become law.

Some random examples follow:

  • Any persons found to be using the word "infer" when they mean "imply" would be immediately subjected to a half day's training on the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs. Similar training courses would be mandatory for persons who confuse "rob" with "steal", and "borrow" with "lend".
  • The timing of torrential downpours will be arranged so as to inconvenience the smallest possible number of people. A light drizzle only will be permitted during rush hour.
  • Chewing gum will only be sold to persons who can provide documentary evidence that they will never chew it with their mouths open, and that they will not dispose of it by the simple expedient of dropping it on the pavement.
  • Persons who park their motor cars in bus stops will have their driving licenses permanently revoked.
  • Fallen leaves will be removed by the local council before they render pavements slippery and hazardous to traverse.
  • Wide-fitting orthopaedic shoes will be available in a variety of attractive styles and funky colours.
  • Young women who insist on wearing skimpy clothing which bares their midriff through the winter months will be ignored when they complain that their workplace is too cold.
  • A stringent rule on the decibel-level of "muzak" permitted in retail establishments will be enforced.
  • Children will be taught that ear-splitting screams are only appropriate when they are in genuine peril. Daily readings of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" will take place in all primary schools until such time as the message sinks in.
  • Retail establishments will not be permitted to devote their window displays to Christmas until the 1st of December.
  • In a similar vein, advertising agencies will cease forthwith from attempting to persuade the general public that a new sofa is a must-have Christmas accessory.
  • Internet links saved as "favourites" will continue to function for the life of any computer on which they are saved.
  • Young Master Marmite will have women beating a path to his door.

Lady Bracknell has chosen here not to deal with major issues such as full equality regardless of status; an end to world poverty; the cessation of all wars, etc. But this does not mean that her readers should assume that she would fail to address such things. Listed above are those matters which are of personal significance to Lady Bracknell and which, she suspects, would therefore mark out her own rule from that of any other incumbent in the post. They would also, of course, automatically disqualify Lady Bracknell from being considered suitable to take on the role of Ruler of the World.

Readers are encouraged to submit examples of the rules they themselves would bring in, via the handy comments facility.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

May I suggest that:

Cats will be reprogrammed to be sick on waterproof, non-absorbent, easy-to-clean surfaces only. No cat will dream of being sick on cushions, hearthrugs, or its owner's bed.

8:20 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

An excellent idea. Lady Bracknell thoroughly approves.

8:31 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loud mouthed oafs wearing headgear more suited for playing sports such as baseball and golf, will be enforced to work with impoverished persons throughout the third world for an indefinite period. Persons frequently using the words 'basically' and 'like' will be enforced to work with impoverished persons throughout the third world for an indefinite period. Premiership footballers wages to be cut by 75%. Jordan to be banned from televisual appearances for ever. That it is perfectly legal for any X Factor contestant to slap Sharon Osbourne very hard around the face. I thankyou.

10:38 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell thanks Mr Mac, who has reminded her that she intended to wreak a terrible punishment on persons who end their every tedious utterance with the mangled phrase, "D'youknowworramean?" or, "D'yagitme?".

11:08 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

I would go one step further than your ladyship's footwear policy, and abolish high-heeled shoes altogether. Doubtless there will soon be underground stiletto clubs, but this will provide a relatively harmless way for young people to experience the frisson of criminal activity they seem to enjoy.
Also: the results of sporting events will not go in News programmes, as they are not news; there will be tax incentives to encourage local specialist cheese shops; and I will press for a fair and adequate national maximum wage.

11:16 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Prism's suggestions are all so entirely sensible that Lady Bracknell has begun to be concerned that she may have been overly-dismissive of her during their previous unhappy acquaintance.

11:50 pm  
Blogger Katie said...

I would have to agree with what Mr Mac has pointed out here your Ladyship as I share his interests in a friendship I have never had in my life!

I agree with you about chewing gum, it is quite unsocial to chew it with mouths open as you would agree with me. I also cannot stand people staring at me as if I was an object of amazement as I get frustrated when the public seem to do it when I pass them. I agree with finding young Master Marmite a woman, but can you return the favour by finding me a nice man like Master Mac that writes here who is lovely!

12:55 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Walking sticks will be available in a wide variety of sizes, colours & finishes.
Mirrors and kitchen cupboards will not be placed at a height suitable only for persons over 6 foot tall.
People who use their dogs and/or expanding dog leads as mobile trip wires will be punished horribly.
The phrase "You don't look disabled" will be punishable by death. The phrase "You are brave" will be punishable by slow, painful & hideous death, unless said to someone who has just rescued small children from a burning building at great personal risk.

P.S. You can't reprogramme cats, only dogs.

1:03 pm  
Blogger JackieTruckle said...

I would ban
* intercom systems -so deaf people dont have to stand around wondering when the buzzer is pressed to open the door
* geneology - I just don't agree with it
" slugs
* war - I mean, What is it good for?

1:13 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Good suggestions, all. Particularly as regards slugs. Although snails will stay, as Lady Bracknell is much enamoured of the colonies of tiny, tiny baby snails which swarm on the back steps of Bracknell Towers on certain rainy days.

Lady Bracknell agrees that the phrase, "You don't look disabled to me" should be punishable, but suggests that the immediate imposition of a hidden and permanent (but not life-threatening)impairment might be a more fitting punishment than execution.

1:41 pm  
Blogger marmiteboy said...

Marmiteboy wishes to thank Lady B for her wish that if she ruled the world that his cup would spilleth over with women.

Strange that. If I ruled the world I'd want the same thing ;-)

2:12 pm  
Blogger izzy said...

Lady B, Have you tried Hotter shoes? Perhaps not the trendiest but very comfortable and practical.

2:47 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell is often to be found lusting after Hotter shoes. Sadly, even their widest fitting is too narrow for her feet.

3:15 pm  
Blogger pete said...

Come the revolution the first up against the wall will be Architects, even though my son in law is one of them. If somebody creates a hideous piece of art it usually can be consigned to a gallery away from view. But a blot on the landscape ( I didn't half fancy that Lady Maude)can ruin your view for all times.

Clumpy boots on wimmin do me head in!

3:25 pm  
Blogger Nicola said...

people that use the word chav to mask blatant snobbery, people that refer to their mp3 player as a 'piece of kit'like its a bloody screwdriver {middle aged fat men), spray tan, Coldplay and Little Britain.

2:57 pm  
Blogger Randy said...

Milady - Thank you very much for your humorous blogspot. I intend to add it to my links. I am but an ignorant american "colonial" as some might say, but I can recognize genius when I see it - even if we americans don't spell recognize with an "S". Bless you for your mirth and viewpoint of the world.

2:18 am  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Mr Tabor really is too generous in his estimation of Lady Bracknell's humble ramblings. She is, however, most gratified that he is enjoying her work.

Would it be impertinent of her ladyship to ask Mr Tabor how he stumbled across her blog?

4:54 pm  

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