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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Saturday, October 29, 2005

And speaking of umbrellas.......

Lady Bracknell would not wish her readers to gain the impression that she forces her editor to spend every available moment surfing the interwebnet in an industrious manner for devices which might serve to protect physically enfeebled ladies and gentlemen from the rain.

It was purely by chance (no, really: it was) that the editor happened upon the Safebrella - "the first umbrella in the world with a removable walking stick", according to the Pro.idee site.

For the entirely exorbitant sum of £54.50, one may equip oneself with this marvel of modern engineering. Although Lady Bracknell is wholly unconvinced that one might want to. Lady Bracknell owns a superfluity of umbrellas, and has a fine collection of sticks. There was a time when she was sufficiently mobile to manage short journeys without a stick. (Indeed, there may yet come a time when she is able to do this again. Although she is not holding her breath...) On such occasions, and if the weather looked threatening, she would leave the house with a stout umbrella. Her umbrellas were carefully chosen to have sufficient length and strength to perform the function of a walking stick reasonably well until the moment when the heavens opened. At which point Lady Bracknell would raise the umbrella. She would walk unaided, but she would be protected from the rain.

It is all very well for some German designer to come up with the notion of an umbrella from the handle of which one may detach a walking stick but, unless Germans generally have three arms (a proposition which Lady Bracknell considers to be improbable, if somewhat entertaining), the designer has signally failed to take into account the practicalities of getting about without either hand being free. How is the German lady expected to carry her handbag? How is the German gentleman to hold doors open in a courteous fashion for the German lady? Or tip his hat to the German lady? How is either to unlock the front door upon arriving home? Lady Bracknell notes that neither the stick nor the umbrella has a crook handle, which means that neither could be hung temporarily over the wrist should it suddenly become necessary to use a hand for some other purpose.

One could just as easily carry a walking stick and an umbrella with one as carry an umbrella with a detachable stick. But both alternatives are entirely impractical. Instead, one is forced to prioritise between the need for support when walking, and the need to keep dry. Lady Bracknell tends to work on the theory that she is unlikely to dissolve if she gets wet.

Not that Lady Bracknell would wish to pour comparable scorn on everything which is for sale on the Pro-idee site. She is much taken with the cashmere fingerless gloves to the right, and is considering ordering a pair in pink for those rare occasions when the temperature outdoors is sufficiently low for her hands to feel cold. Although she imagines that a pair might also come in useful for the editor when she is working at the keyboard of the computing device on a particularly chilly day.

5 Comments:

Blogger Gimpy Mumpy said...

Those gloves are absolutely dreamy.

8:48 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

They are a bit, aren't they....? ;-)

8:52 pm  
Blogger pete said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:06 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

I think I know her Ladyship's game. Get us lusting over yet more items, spend our hardly-earned cash and then have the shop send her some for free!

But they are very nice gloves. :-)

I must congratulate her Ladyship on her now long-term position on the Ouch weblog. And I apologise for the above ungracious suggestion; for entertaining and informing us, her Ladyship deserves all the perks she can get. ;-)

10:40 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

The thought of "blagging" a pair of said gloves had not so much as flitted across the farthest reaches of her ladyship's mind.

It is the approach of Christmas which is motivating her to insist that the editor scours hitherto untrammeled sites for gift ideas.

Unfortunately, this results in her finding things she would like to buy for herself....

Lady Bracknell thanks the Goldfish kindly for her compliments on becoming an Ouch contributor. She is, indeed, rather chuffed.

10:52 pm  

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