I don't want to gain 3+ inches in length, either, because I've been five foot six since the age of fourteen, and I'm used to it. (I assume that I am supposed to be measuring myself while lying flat, and that that's why I'm being offered an increase in length rather than height.)
I certainly don't want any magic potions to increase my girth: I'm more than capable of doing that all on my own by the simple expedient of upping my Pringles intake - I don't need to pass my credit card details on to some dubious purveyor of snake oil for the privilege.
Much to the envy of my male colleagues, I don't only receive these marvellous offers on my home email address. Oh no. Having committed the cardinal error of once having had my email address published on a consultation document on my employer's website, I get them at work as well. All the time.
The firewall catches most of them, and sweeps them off into a secure facility from which I can, if I choose, release them onto the servers. (The wrong choice at this juncture could, I feel, be a funny way of handing in my notice.)
It doesn't catch them all, though.
Just the other week, I was working at home on something very complicated and technical, and concentrating like a very keen person, when an email notification popped - and I use the word "popped" advisedly - up in the bottom right hand corner of my screen, screaming
"You can see her clit!!"
(I couldn't. Just in case you were wondering.)
Even the aforementioned male colleagues who wish they could receive emails from nice Russian girls who are bored and would like to talk to them blanched a bit at that one.
Astonishingly, even the opportunity to catch a glimpse of naked pudenda pales into insignificance in comparison with the quite unspeakably-grim email title by which I was met this morning:
"Jerk your cum crayon and colour me white!"
Don't get me wrong. I am fairly robust. I am familiar with the existence of pornography. I find these "ride her all night and make her scream for more" emails laughable rather than distressing. But, "cum crayon"? Please don't tell me there is any man anywhere in the world who uses that as an affectionate nickname for his knob....