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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Friday, May 05, 2006

Ticket to ride?

According to news released today, one of the places in this year's Big Brother house will be allocated at random to one of the 100 individuals who are "lucky" enough to find the winning gold ticket in a Kitkat chocolate bar. The "special" bars will go on sale at 10.30 pm on May 18th.

In previous years, the Big Brother house has been roundly - and justifiably - criticised by disabled viewers for being inaccessible.

Lady Bracknell imagines that a last-minute imperative to improve accessibility would be both a major headache for the producers and a source of great amusement to disabled persons generally.

Lady Bracknell would personally rather stick needles in her eyes than spend so much as one second in the company of anyone who has successfully won through the Big Brother audition process. Despite this, she considers that it would be a very cunning wheeze indeed if the UK's wheelchair users; persons with sensory impairments; and anyone else who couldn't cope either with the stairs or the constant bright lights could form some kind of cartel to buy up all those Kitkat bars which might contain a winning ticket the moment they go on sale.*

The more complex the winner's support needs, the better. Picture the horror on the producers' faces if they had to not only instal access ramps, but bring in another bed for the winner's full-time PA. Or sign language interpreter. Or both. And somewhere to store the spare oxygen tank. Not to mention the need to drastically re-think the design of all the weekly tasks.

Hands up all those who suspect that either

a) it has never crossed the producers' minds that the winning ticket might be held by a crip; or

b) it has crossed their minds, but they have prepared a flimsy argument based on a subjective reading of the health and safety legislation with which to reject a disabled winner?

*It would, of course, be necessary to find someone to eat all the Kitkat bars. Lady Bracknell has always found Dude the chauffeur to be most assiduous when his duties have been extended to include eating.


Blogger Becca said...

I do believe it may be possible to afford the Dude some assistance in the Kit Kat consumption, assuming that we all consent to suspend our boycott of Nestle for the occasion.

11:35 pm  
Blogger The Gorse Fox said...

The Gorse Fox commends Lady Bracknell on her good taste, in relation to even temporary habitation of said house.

GF had the misfortune of seeing part of one episode whilst his daughter was staying with him. After several minutes he decided that this televisual experience was of a similar level to programme known as Eastenders - foul, loud, morally supect and utterly unwatchable.

With continued devotion,

8:03 am  
Blogger Katie said...

Miss Katie agrees with her ladyship on the whole affair with not eating Nestle bars but fears for the Dude's health in the consumption of the KitKat bars.

Miss Katie also thinks that buying KitKat bars to gain entry into a foul and disgusting place, especially one that Miss Katie has been near to, is a way of being greedy and could lead to dupilcation if in the wrong hands.

12:21 pm  
Blogger dotandcarryone said...

I think the best comment on Big Brother participants was spoken several years ago by one Sandy, who made his escape from the house after a very short while by climbing over the roof.

He said that the residents were, in sum, very young and extremely gullible, so that they thought the whole thing was an "adventure" and a "challenge"; wheras he, who was a bit older and had been out in the world, found it merely a childish bore.

I haven't watched it since.

4:39 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell suspects that Miss Katie may have missed the point of this post.

There are a lot of people (Lady Bracknell included) who would agree with Miss Katie's description of the BB house as being "a foul and disgusting place".

But that does not alter the fact that there are some disabled people who would like the chance to participate in the programme. Nor that the disabled community is the only minority group which has not been represented in the house over the years.

Lady Bracknell was not seriously suggesting that Katie buy several hundred Kitkat bars on the appropriate date. She was merely pointing out that this golden ticket competition may be the only way a disabled person with particular care and/or access requirements will ever get on to the show.

10:29 pm  
Blogger James Medhurst said...

What's the betting that the person "chosen at random" from the golden ticket holders will have been put through an exacting audition process. It never happened to Charlie Bucket.

12:46 am  
Anonymous Dude said...

It is my assiduousness (assiduosity?) which has been the major contributing factor in my vast - and increasing - girth. Never let it be said that when it comes to eating in the line of duty that this Dude has been found wanting.

But I am prepared to forego the "pleasure" of actually entering the BB abode, lacking as I do, the physical attributes necessary to do "a Sandy" (which I would assuredly be tempted to do, even if it meant risking not meeting luverly Davina in the flesh). I'd be too pugnacious for them anyway.

*Burp* Pardon!! Pass the Kit Kats!


2:37 pm  
Blogger marmiteboy said...

I believe the 'lucky' ticket holders will be invited to a live tv show and then the 'winner' will be picked at random.

Or rather they will be picked at random if they aren't a crip.

2:16 pm  
Blogger Becca said...

We're clearly going to need to eat our way through to all 100 tickets for the prize draw, then...

10:21 am  

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