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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Ding dong, the witch is dead

Following what has been a deeply unhappy ten days for the inhabitants of Bracknell Towers, there are two items of news which would seem to herald brighter times on the horizon.

The first, and more important, is currently a secret known only to a chosen few. Lady Bracknell would not want to jinx anything by revealing the news publicly in an overly-precipitate manner. However, all things being equal, her regular readers will not need to remain on tenterhooks for more than a couple of days.

The seond relates to a most unpleasant neighbour.

Bracknell Towers is less palatial than its nomenclature might perhaps imply. Lady Bracknell, as has been mentioned earlier in these pages, has latterly fallen on hard times financially and can no longer afford to keep herself in the lavish style to which she was once accustomed.

Far from being the opulent, detached property set in rolling, verdant grounds designed by Capability Brown - complete with deer park - which regular readers may have envisaged, Bracknell Towers is one of a purpose-built block of four apartments constructed in the 1930s. Bracknell Towers itself is a charming property, with many delightful period features. But it could not, by any stretch of the imagination, be described as large.

Since moving herself and her household into the current Bracknell Towers in 1995, Lady Bracknell's life has been blighted by the presence of a decidedly illbred and surly young woman in the next apartment.

So unfamiliar is this young person with the forms of common courtesy that it seems not to have occurred to her to inform her immediate neighbours that she was moving out: the first indication given to the other residents was the noisy removal of various large items of furniture yesterday evening.

The other residents conferred in a hushed and somewhat furtive manner by telephone. Was this what it looked like? Their hopes had been raised in just such a manner on a number of previous occasions. It was, they concluded regretfully, not beyond the bounds of possibility that old furniture was being moved out so that new furniture could be moved in. They would maintain a watching brief and keep in touch with one another.

One incident this morning served both to confirm this young woman's long-overdue departure and to relieve Lady Bracknell from any necessity of describing her general character and deportment at length in this blog entry: Lady Bracknell returned from a professional engagement to discover that the young woman's father had disconnected and removed the doorbell to the apartment she was vacating.

Lady Bracknell will leave her readers to form their own conclusions about the desirability of living cheek by jowl with a person who would stoop to behave in such a manner.


Blogger Charlesdawson said...

I would like to recommend to Lady Bracknell an excellent little made-for-TV movie called The Chain, which I am sure the Editor could obtain for her.

It recounts a day in the life of a team of removal men in London. One of the households undergoing removal proceeds to take the ashes from the fireplace, as well as all door furniture and lightbulbs. As I understand it, this is rather under-stating what can happen in reality.

5:37 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whilst I rejoice for the inhabitants and neighbours of Bracknell Towers, the headline of this post immediately put me in mind of the following quote I came across just a couple of days ago...

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again."

Unknown author, found in Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz".

I think the moral is - don't celebrate too much until you meet the new neighbour.....

5:50 pm  
Blogger Mary said...

Here's hoping your new neighbour is easier to get on with. I would not wish to offend Lady Bracknell or her readers by detailing the shocking behaviour of some of the tenants of the flat blocks my friends and I have resided in over the last few years.

6:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cant wait for the revelations about to emenate from BT!
I hope it is really really good!
As for the ex neighbour, well good riddance I say, i have suffered in the past from noisey nosey and noisome next doors so I empathise!

1:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Frequently having heard the young lady in question (and her little dog too), though being spared the dubious privilege of actually meeting her, I have formed my own opinions of her character. Opinions, I might add, which were not improved in any way by the impact of her apparently random and ultimately unsuccessful attempts at considerate parallel parking on mine to bring the Rolls alongside the one stretch of lowered kerb where your Ladyship can board in relative comfort.

So imagine my chagrin at finding that young Master Dawson has stolen all the best lines in his early-bird response above. I was about to ask whether any of the residents had noted items such as fluorescent lighting tubes or indeed whole fireplaces included amongst the effects being removed. So I shall have to content myself with enquiring whether the five-kilowatt public address system with which she used to entertain us all so unselfishly, and so often, has finally gone. And whether she remembered to replace the stair-carpet before she left?

Let us devoutly wish that the next tenant is a dear sweet little old lady, in full fitness of mind and body, whose noisiest pastime is embroidery and who delights in preparing diabetic and vegetarian treats for her nearest neighbour.

2:56 pm  

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