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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found...

Those familiar with Messrs Gilbert and Sullivan's light operetta, "The Mikado", will no doubt recall that the character of Ko-Ko is surprised to find himself suddenly elevated to the rank of Lord High Executioner of the town of Titipu. In a demonstration of his readiness to face the less pleasant aspects of his new occupation, Ko-Ko regales the town's citizens with a list of the people he would most like to decapitate. He says, "If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large."

In what she hopes will buoy the current mood of excited anticipation surrounding Blogging Against Disablism day, Lady Bracknell has taken the liberty of subtly changing the lyrics of Ko-Ko's song to reflect a more anti-disablist theme than that with which the original was imbued:

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There’s the non-disabled people who suppose you’d like to be
Tucked up in bed by half past nine with a nice cup of tea
And refuse to recognize that you have got the right to make
Decisions of you own about the treatment that you’ll take
And that you might choose to stay out late, then stagger homewards pissed
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS. She's got 'em on the list -- she's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of
'em be missed.

There's the gent upon the omnibus who sees you use a cane,
But who won’t give up his seat--I've got him on the list!
And the staff who break your wheelchair when you’re travelling by plane,
They never would be missed--they never would be missed!
Then the idiots who walk round town while texting on their phone,
Who despise you when you try to grab some pavement of your own;
And the person in a hurry stuck behind you on the street
Who then rushes past so close that you trip over your own feet
And who wouldn’t like it if his nose connected with your fist
I don't think he'd be missed--I'm sure he'd not he missed!

CHORUS. She's got him on the list--she's got him on the list;
And I don't think he'll be missed--I'm sure
he'll not be missed!

Readers should note that the original version of the song contains three verses. Lady Bracknell's own creative muse deserted her after a mere two. There will, therefore, be a small prize (probably of a virtual nature) for the reader who pens the most humorous third verse and brings it to Lady Bracknell's attention via the useful comments facility. (Any reader unfamiliar with the music to which the song is set may listen to a sample of it here.)


Blogger R said...

You've just made my day. Possibly my month. Unfortunately, I'm so comprehensively crap at rhyming stuff that I'm not even going to attempt the third verse... and shall just make appreciative noises from a safe distance.

10:08 am  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

Fantastic your Ladyship. My brain is not working today, but I shall give a third verse a go as soon as it does.

4:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*rapturous applause*

I do like that song, and it's a shame it is rarely updated with such flair as in your version. A very sensible sentiment too.

12:39 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not extend the challenge - re-write the entire Mikado on this theme...? Long-term project for a bored musician, perhaps.

12:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn me! As a member of the chorus in the Mikado, last weekend, I must say that it doesn't sing too well. Jolly good luck to you in shaping it up.

3:14 am  

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