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The collected opinions of an august and aristocratic personage who, despite her body having succumbed to the ravages of time, yet retains the keen intellect, mordant wit and utter want of tact for which she was so universally lauded in her younger days. Being of a generation unequal to the mysterious demands of the computing device, Lady Bracknell relies on the good offices of her Editor for assistance with the technological aspects of her journal.

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Location: Bracknell Towers

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Lady Bracknell has a brush with the criminal underworld

Lady Bracknell travelled to Manchester by train today and spent several hours in the company of the delightful Becca. Her ladyship will be fit for nothing tomorrow, but considers that to be a small price to pay.

Her ladyship's rail journey back from Manchester to Liverpool was, in the main, uneventful. She was, however, intrigued by the fact that the lady who brought round the refreshments trolley was American. This lady explained to a neighbouring passenger that she had started work at 8 of the clock this morning and was therefore now very tired and prone to making errors. Lady Bracknell was much charmed by her admission that, when she is really tired, she starts charging passengers in dollars and cents rather than in pounds and pence. Her ladyship would have welcomed the opportunity to speak to this charming lady at length, as it is not every day that one encounters an American member of staff on our British railways. Unfortunately, the train was a lengthy one, the American lady had many other passengers to see to, and the opportunity did not present itself.

When the train arrived at Lime Street Station, there was what appeared to Lady Bracknell to be a quite unconscionable delay before the doors could be opened. But when egress was finally permitted, the cause of the delay was immediately apparent. Several police officers, accompanied by what Lady Bracknell believes is known as "back up" from liveried members of the transport police, were in the process of detaining and cautioning three young persons who had travelled on the train. The young persons were of a most sullen cast of feature and of a slovenly appearance: indeed, they amply demonstrated Lady Bracknell's theory that the shell suit flatters nobody, regardless of gender, age or figure.

Lady Bracknell was naturally curious as to what crime had been committed, but is too well-bred to importune one of the station staff and demand details. She therefore continued to walk up the platform, and was quickly overtaken by her fellow passengers.

Before long, however, she realised that the refreshments trolley was being pushed along behind her. The charming American lady whom she had encountered at the commencement of her journey then called out a compliment in relation to her ladyship's handsome blue walking stick. She opined that, were she ever to need a mobility aid herself, she would choose just such a stick. Lady Bracknell thanked the American lady, and explained that she purchases her sticks on the Internet, and that they are sent to her from Florida by Steve The Stick Man. At which point the American lady was pleased to have the opportunity to disclose the fact that she herself grew up in Florida.

A friendship thus having been established, Lady Bracknell felt it would now be appropriate to ask about the three sullen young persons and their brush with the law. She regrets to report, however, that the charming American lady knew nothing beyond the fact that they had been irritating the passengers in the carriage in which they travelled by playing loud mobile phone ring tones. As this, despite its being quite exceptionally discourteous and annoying, is not yet classified as a crime, the mystery remains.

The next time Lady Bracknell travels by train, she will endeavour to choose the carriage which contains criminals so that her own curiosity, and that of her readers, can be satisfied.


Blogger pete said...

What crimes had the blokes committed? Wearing loud shell suits in a confined space?

12:00 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Were that suddenly to become a criminal offence, the population of Liverpool would be decimated overnight.

(By the way, one of the young persons in question appeared to be female.)

12:32 pm  
Blogger The Goldfish said...

I was once on a train going nowhere fast. My journey was between York and Winchester and the train kept stopping in the middle of nowhere. You could feel the tension and irritation increasing in the carriage as we got these ambiguous announcements about the increasing delay. Many of us suspected the train was actually about to break down.

I was sat on the aisle seat and the chap across the aisle from me pulled the shelf down from the back of the seat in front of him. This guy was about twenty, twenty-one. He produced a pack of jelly babies which he stood upright on the shelf, lining them up in order of colour. He then produced a packet of smarties. One by one he bit the heads of the jelly babies.

Then he produced a packet of tornados which he took out, one by one, placing them on the decapitated jelly babies. It was at this point that he noticed that I was watching demmanded, "What?!" and I looked away.

Later on I overheard a conversation revealing that he was a soldier on his way back to barracks. Fortunately, the train kept going as far as my stop. That was one train I didn't want to get stuck on overnight.

4:53 pm  
Blogger JackieTruckle said...

A few years ago I was on the Settle-Carlisle Railway when a woman (aged about 35) got on, sat down opposite me and out of a small suitcase got out about 20 small stuffed hedgehogs. She then lined them up so they could look out the window. She said nothing the whole time and at the end of the trip she packed them back in the suitcase and got off. I have hoped to see her again on many train journeys but, so far, no luck.

4:15 pm  
Blogger Lady Bracknell said...

Lady Bracknell is most grateful for the rather startling anecdote above.

7:19 pm  

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